(08 Mar 2009)

The student asks:

I must say that I found both this question (below) and the response to it quite puzzling, which is unusual for me when I ready your Buddhism Connect teachings. I hope you will not mind me writing in for further clarification. Forgive my naivety, but I cannot see how doing Tonglen can feel similar to being in a dysfunctional relationship. I can understand that someone in a dysfunctional relationship will certainly feel suffering and distress. They may then practice Tonglen to bring healing to the parties in the relationship - themselves and others, but I do not see how this can be compared with self-sacrifice (however this term was meant.) Surely the point about Tonglen is that it is a healing practice - it is intended to heal both the practitioner and any other party involved. Self-sacrifice does not necessarily achieve any of this and I think can very often be counter-productive.

Lama Shenpen responds:

Yes, this was the point that the person writing the question was making and the point that I made in my answer.

Self-sacrifice does not necessarily achieve healing for oneself or others and can be counter-productive. What often happens is that when people see others suffer they want to do something to get rid of the other person's suffering (or their own for that matter). In the Tonglen practice we are encouraged to think, 'Let all the suffering, pain, blame, etc. come to me', 'Let all the goodness, happiness, success, etc. go to others'. 'Others are more important than me'.

For a person who has always been very focused on his or her own selfish desires this is very challenging and represents a complete change of direction. It is like heart surgery. For many people, though, it can link into the attitude 'If I want something then its selfish of me and I should give it up and only think of others'. In other words we are telling ourselves the story that we should ignore our own feelings and needs and we should only think of others. It is one thing to link into a genuine wish to take the sufferings of others and give all our happiness away. It is another thing to beat ourselves up for being bad and telling ourselves we should be doing something else ... something that is not coming from our heart but from a judgemental voice that is telling us that we are not good enough.

I suppose what I understood by the questioner's reference to a dysfunctional relationship was one in which one party was always subservient to the other, driven by guilt and low self esteem. The other party might very well experience the relationship as deeply unsatisfactory since it lacks genuineness, appreciation and love.

Nevertheless, either party might be using Tonglen as a way of reinforcing the dysfunctional nature of the relationship. As the subservient one breaths in the pain it might be confirming to them their own lack of worth, and as they breath out goodness it might be confirming to themselves that their needs are of no consequence. Then, feeling bad about that, depressed and angry perhaps, breathing all that in and again reinforcing a feeling of self-loathing and low self esteem while trying to breath out any hope for happiness and love as they try to send it out to others. It could go terribly wrong! The other party might be breathing in the pain of not feeling loved and using it to reinforce a sense of unloveableness and then breathing out what they hope is love but is actually so forced that it comes out as almost an attack on the other for not responding in the way they want.

It can easily happen if people just pick up the practice without proper teaching and with nobody to talk to about it properly.

As you say, ideally none of that happens and a genuine connection with others is established and strengthened by the practice. I think that is what the person writing the question was thinking about and how important it was to not go down the route of reinforcing bad habits and calling it Tonglen. That is what I thought she meant and what my answer was trying to address.

The student continues:

I do not understand how the practice can bring about self-deprecation either. To genuinely (even try to) perform a compassionate spiritual practice cannot be anything but good, can it? Wishing oneself and others well and whole is a totally positive act. It also involves giving - dana - generosity - which always arises from good heartedness.

Lama Shenpen responds:

That is the ideal but generosity can sometimes be used as a way of suppressing what we feel and the person on the receiving end might feel burdened by that generosity. It is still giving, its still dana, it still makes good karma, but not as much good karma as generosity that comes from the heart ... what we might call genuine generosity.

The student goes on: I thought the whole point about Tonglen is that it rises above notions of self-sacrifice, being dysfunctional, trying to solve hopeless problems, being a martyr, indulging in self-criticism and so on. All these things generate suffering. Tonglen takes all that suffering, wherever it is coming from, and transforms it into whatever is good, positive and healthy.

Lama Shenpen responds: Yes, that is the ideal. It is important to make sure that the way we practice it is conducive to that end. If its not working in that way then we need to check in with our teacher.

The student continues:

I think the person who asked this question might be feeling depleted and worn down by a bad situation. I think Tonglen is a difficult practice at any time. It demands a lot of emotional stamina and strength and a lot of concentration - which emotional distress of any kind will undermine. But in that case, shouldn't we use the practice to strengthen ourselves as well as others? By healing ourselves we are also healing our relationships aren't we, and so by extension this in itself is also giving to others?

Lama Shenpen responds:

I wouldn't phrase it like that in the sense I would not say that if we are feeling depleted or in emotional stress of any kind we should use the practice to strengthen ourselves and others. I would phrase it differently. I would say that we need to check out for ourselves to see what really helps us practice in a way that strengthens ourselves and others. We have to find our own way that works for us and it may be that the words of the Tonglen practice just don't work for us. Some other way of practising what is the same in principle might work much better to the same end. The student concludes:

I would like to see more teaching about Tonglen as it is obviously something that both confuses and fascinates people - me included. It's also very hard to do and to understand how it works. I regard myself as a total beginner at it. So I look forward to learning a lot more.

Lama Shenpen responds: I find it hard to do and to understand how it works. But I know many students who find it works very well for them on a simple kitchen sink kind of level. I think that is how its supposed to work and I think it is easy for someone like myself to try too hard to understand it rather than to just get on and do it and let it reveal its own richness! People are different and approach things differently.