(01 Mar 2009)

A student writes:

Some time ago I wrote to you about compassion and my dysfunctional family and this may be the same question from another angle. Nevertheless, could you say something about exchanging one's self for others and how that is different from being in dysfunctional relationship? Taking on other's suffering sounds a lot to me like the Catholic Church's self sacrifice and the dysfunctional trait of trying to solve other's problems.

Lama Shenpen responds:

This is such an interesting question and one that I have thought about a lot. I am happy to try to give an answer to it although I am not convinced I can give an entirely satisfactory answer.

I sometimes wonder if this is why I find so many people are very ready to leap into this practice which I myself find quite challenging and even as you say dubious. It raises all the same questions for me as it raises for you, if not more.

The point of it is to challenge our habitual tendency to put ourselves first in a selfish way so as not to get mixed up in the sufferings of others - that frame of mind tries to anaesthetise our pain and suffering by cutting ourselves off from the sufferings of others in all sorts of ways including cutting ourselves off from our own feelings and sensitivity.

Breathing in the suffering of both ourselves and others is a way of tenderisinig ourselves and putting us in touch with our own feelings of grief, pain, fear, anger, bitterness or whatever. I think it can easily happen though that instead of it putting us more in touch with our own feelings and the depths of our being, our intrinsic sensitivity and resourcefulness, it can simply link into an attitude towards ourselves that says, 'your feelings and your very existence are what is the cause of all your own suffering and that of others. Give up yourself, get rid of it, just walk all over it, suppress it, punish it, hate it, treat it as your enemy. You are worthless and should just slink away and hide yourself. You are shit!'

That kind of thing. The teaching on self-sacrifice is being heard as if it were saying we should get into criticism of ourselves and links into our tendency to attack ourselves. Yet, there could be a tremendous inspiration in it. How wonderful it is to see a person giving to another from the depths of their heart with joy and no regret. They are carefree and somehow more and more resources seem to flow into them from nowhere enabling them to give more and more. Even on their death bed when all else has failed, they can do nothing for themselves and depend on the help of others and yet they can still give and give, something comes from the depths of their being and somehow we know its because they have given up selfishness. They are acting from some other place that is sustaining them. Tonglen is about finding that other place. It is not about hating ourselves, trampling on ourselves, despising ourselves and so on. It comes from an inner realisation and awareness of freedom to give. It comes from a kind of simplicity and integrity that feels empowered and joyous. It can endlessly give because it's the spontaneous action of the Openness, Clarity and Sensitivity of their being. Probably that is what Christian self-sacrifice is about really but its got all mixed up in our culture with being a martyr - trying to be good ... trying too hard to live up to an ideal ... so much so that we have lost touch with the Openness, Clarity and Sensitivity of our being. Instead it is all judging, 'shoulds', criticism and labelling and blaming. It's not simple and joyous at all!

The student continues: In a similar vein, in Tonglen, what happens to all the suffering we breathe in? Are we supposed to be imagining that we are transforming that suffering into the heart wish and then breathing that out to others? This is somewhat scary to me.

Lama Shenpen responds: The idea is that we cut the suffering with a strong blast of insight that simply recognises its nature and transforms it so that we can simply breath love, joy, well being and all good things, letting go of all clinging and tendencies to selfishness as we do so. Of course we cannot do that at the beginning as long as we don't have that insight ... which is a long time for most of us. Even when we have it, it is usually not stable. That is the longest bit of all ... so hang on in there! It is important to just let go of the suffering as best as we can and link into our natural heartwish for happiness for ourselves and all beings and think we are sending that out on the outbreath. It is quite hard work practising this way but its possible and important to somehow keep it very simple. If its getting too complicated just drop it and simply let go into space opening the heart and really linking into the heart wish for ease and joy for yourself and others.

If when you breathe in the negativity it seems to hang around its important to stop doing the practice. Sometimes if we are around very negative energy and our practice is not strong enough, we can find ourselves quite overwhelmed and even might suffer from some kind of illness or tiredness. It is important to have complete confidence in the power of the Buddha Dharma and Sangha to support us at that time as if somehow the negativity was flowing through us and being absorbed by them so that we can then let go and send out well being and goodness on the out breath. Don't keep breathing in the negativity without breathing out the goodness to yourself and others. You are breathing it out and its from the heart which like a well, keeps replenishing itself. The more you give the more there is to give. If instead you are feeling more and more depleted, stop doing tonglen and consult your teacher. The student says: I have worked for so long to be in healthy relationship with others, especially my family, and I do not want to go back to the painful place I was in before.

Lama Shenpen responds: I am guessing what you are talking about here is working skilfully with the boundary between self and other. If we are not deeply in touch with our own heart and core values and if we do not centre ourselves in them, centre ourselves in that place which is the source of all our strength, courage, confidence, sense of meaning and joy and so on, then our relationship with ourselves and others is unhealthy. We are either trying to keep others out, to hang on to them or we are letting them invade us. These are unhealthy states that lead to dis - ease and not to Dharma. So it is important to build on the wisdom you have gained already and not to undermine it again. The student writes: Thank you for your continuing help